literally cannot say “i am great at this thing ” or “the best at this thing” or sometimes even “Good at this thing” w/o feeling the need to tack on about fifty qualifiers , and a big one is i dont want???????? to be????????????????? like people who have used that sort of Positioning Of Authority against me in the past????????? “i kno more,” ok fine, but then “so i am better and you are shit,” less fine. so i guess im afraid that saying i know more or am better at this i’ll be like that ??????? but!!!! like!!!!! i am better at some stuff!!! i do know a lot about some stuff!! i might not know more about sf than all the middle aged lifers at sf conventions do, but i am absolutely more qualified to talk about women writers of speculative fiction than every single man i have ever even briefly discussed the subject with. and then i want to go “but i know thats not v important, and i cant do important things well, im only good at some bullshit,” and the urge to qualify academic interests with “these are bullshit and im terrible” bc i dont want to be??? an elitist or a snob and im afraid that saying i like doing x or y will make me sound like that or will actually make me that.
i hate this . i hate it. there has to be some way of making it clear that i am open to criticism & correction & discovering that i wasnt right about a thing that i know a lot about & that i dont value/judge ppl on their intellectual work, that i know that i might be wrong and i might not know the most and might need help and that there are more important things than what i do WITHOUT also degrading my own work and devaluing myself and my abilities cONSTANTLY, in ways that reinforce my own beliefs about myself & in some ways repeat back the language & thought patterns that people bullied me with.
maybe the best i can do is to just go “i am the best, i think the work i do is important for x and y reasons,” without qualifying statements. just. say that. and then just be. receptive. i dont know. i dont know how to do both elegantly or at all really.