reread an old post i wrote about hamlet-on-a-spaceship. i am a genius, everyone give me tons of cash money for hamlet-on-a-spaceship
you two are both really kind and lovely lmao I adore you both and also feel super safe around you and don’t feel intimidated at all or feel like I can’t talk to you about stuff if it were a problem
ok good .good . good. thank you . i am in good ghostly company. (also, have i mentioned lately how Proud i am of you bc i am in a nebulous but v Real way.
no i have been in much the same space and it’s fucking me up really badly, but fwiw i think you are very very kind and approachable megs
hbbb thank you vec. i love you & take care of yrself please . fwiw i think you’re also super kind and i know ppl we mutually know think the same, and express the same to me . i also know theres like a tiny cabal of us introspectively freaking out in the same exact way. (who freaked out in the same exact way a while ago. )
but yes also!!! to!!! everyone!!! if u have a Problem w/ anything i do/say like, seriously, just tell me, if im being harmful i want to know. i want to know. you will not make me mad at you. if im acting in ways that can hurt people, i want to know so i can change what im doing & act to make whatever amends i can.
i’m going to address this one point at a time and this is the last thing i have to say about this because i am tired of you telling lies and half-truths to paint me as some kind of fucking monster.
1. i never manipulated you. i never did anything. the context of our relationship was originally a friendship; we became friends in about mid-2014 when i was 18 years old. i invited you to a group chat shortly after that consisted of me and a few trans girl friends.
2. the way you told me you liked me was back in january/february you called me on skype dead on your ass drunk while i was going through a suicide crisis and told me that i couldn’t leave you and i couldn’t DO THIS TO YOU because you LOVED me so much. i spent the next 1-2 hours in a call with you trying to calm you down and in the middle of that went and fucking threw up so the pills i took wouldn’t kill me. the context there is you were telling a 19 year old girl who had recently started her transition that you were in love with her and she coudln’t leave you, while you, someone almost ten years older, were fucking drunk on everclear.
3. the relationship became sexual when you started fucking flirting with me. i was never, ever, ever even REMOTELY sexual interested in you because i’m not attracted to you! because i was scared of you! because the way you behaved in group chats was frightening!
4. i fucking resent so hard you turning our sexual relationship into “i was so uncomfortable with fucking this 19 year old” when literally you’re the one who did it. the first time we met we had a fucking threesome within two hours; you asked to cuddle me and then you and your girlfriend started groping me and kissing me and taking my clothes off. that is exactly what fucking happened and i don’t know how the fuck you’re going to dispute that when i could just ask her myself. (not to mention the weird shit you did when you wanted to fuck me! but hey let’s not talk about that since apparently you “remember it differently” and i guess that means it’s unfair of me to bring up how you fucking me reminded me of the time i was raped at 9 years old!)
5. i came to other people because you fucking scared me and i wanted confirmation that i wasn’t being crazy; i wanted confirmation from others that i wasn’t making up everything about you and that i had good reasons to be scared. funnily enough, several of these people thought similar things!! who fucking knew! there’s a fucking REASON when we remade the group chat we DIDN’T INVITE YOU UNTIL YOU MADE A BIG FUCKING FUSS ABOUT IT; WE ARE SCARED OF YOU AND THE WAY YOU TALK AND OPERATE AND HAVE BEEN FOR MONTHS
6. i came up to visit you in portland after you screamed for hours at my friends who were housing me in california and hten ORDERED them to not tell me about it. i found out about it anyway and found out how scared they were of you and the way you told them that i wasn’t allowed to know things! you screamed at them because i spent too much money while in their care and then told them you were moving me to portland all while not telling me!
7. you told me i was “visiting” portland. you didn’t tell me i was moving there. you didn’t tell me i was moving in with you. you didn’t tell me i was going to be the SECOND homeless girl moving into your 2-bedroom apartment for a total of 4 people on no furniture. you told everyone EXCEPT For me, deliberately, because you knew i’d be uncomfortable with it. because i was! after i came up to visit you you kept talking to me about “settling down” and “getting my things set up here” and i was confused! incredibly confused! i didn’t find out you intended for me to fucking move in with you until i was already on the train up to visit talking to friends on skype. i had no fucking clue what was happening because YOU TOLD PEOPLE NOT TO TELL ME; YOU UNDERMINED MY AGENCY AND TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME BECAUSE YOU WANTED ME TO BE YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND
8. i finally became okay with moving in with you; i had a crush on your spouse, with which you didn’t really have a relationship! you were on the verge of being separated and were staying in seperate rooms. i asked you permission to hang out with her because i felt that would be polite; you gave it, happily. i asked your permission to become intimate with her and you gave it, in much the same fashion. i later found out she asked you if she could be intimate with me, and you approved it. about a week into my stay with you she and i became intimate, you walked in on it, and got extremely upset. at one point we locked the door so you wouldn’t walk in on us and you became physically and verbally violent. i started making plans to leave and you had to fucking walk out and almost drag me back in because you didn’t want me gone. we never fucking asked you to move out or even IMPLIED it. i started sleeping in sam’s room because your violence and anger made me uncomfortable and scared, and you took that as me somehow fucking blacklisting you or intentionally trying to hurt you. we didn’t fucking force you to move out; you went to seattle to hang out with your girlfriend and while over there messaged us over skype letting us know that you were getting a divorce and moving out. we didn’t do SHIT in that department, that was entirely. fucking. you.
9. i literally never claimed anyone was a teenager other than myself idk where the fuck this is coming from but hey! your targets of abuse and manipulation just so happen to be young trans kids in their late teens/early 20s so What Do I Know
10. oh boy. the greatest cover up ever; lie and then say “i’m going to get accused of lying”, how completely fucking undone and how unheard of as a tactic of abuse!
you moved me into your house under false pretenses, treated me with violence and subjected me to a stressful and disgusting home environment, and then fucking moved out when you got mad at me friendzoning you. that’s what fucking happened you absolute child
one closing thought: its really a tragedy that discourse (hate that word) has devolved to the point where everyone is terrified of criticizing everyone else’s behavior because the only criticisms that are legitimate have to be within the parameters of abuse. like so much awful shit goes on interpersonally but in all likelihood that awful behavior was probably less awful in the past, and it just grew in severity and was never questioned or criticized because everyone was scared to until it became full blown abuse
what if we were able to criticize other peoples behavior as rude, or invasive, or unpleasant, and have an actual dialogue about it before it devolved into abuse? im not saying all abuse or even most could be stopped with earlier interventions but time and time again everyone sees this shit, and they dont say anything out of fear, and it just mushrooms into enormous messes and dogpiles and in all likelihood we should be more critical of each other, we should speak up when we feel uncomfortable, we should question and critique and trust our gut instincts of discomfort when they come up because any situation where everyone feels constantly anxious and scared is probably not a good situation at all
if u need a cheerup story:
hector, the dude who i closed w/ tonight and whose section i was in this morning, is this shrimpy like. he claims he’s eighteen but whatever. and so, this morning, some girls about his age come and sit in our section, but its my turn and as i’m going to take their order I’m like “oh man , hector’s totally going to ask for the table isn’t he . “
and sure enough, he comes up to me as im getting their drnks and is like “MEAGAN. MEAGAN. LET ME TAKE THE TABLE WITH THE HOT GIRLS.” “hector i already got their order.” “MEAGAN……..” hector no. “ok IM GONNA RUN YR FOOD THEN should i make my voice sound deeper when i drop it off. ” pls do not hector. “ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE” hector you sound like you just got the wind knocked out of you.
and then he got distracted and someone else ran the food —- the point is, straight boys are a parody of themselves all the time, all the time. Always, all the time.
is this story even funny. or is it one of those things that seems funny and then to everyone else its either Extremely Boring or else a Sad Reminder Of Straight Boys And Their Grossness